Sometimes being stuck in a body that I can't control properly annoys the heck out of me. When people look at me when I'm doing something out of the norm, it makes me upset, because they don't understand that I can't control it. They should try and be me for one whole day, then I'm quite sure that they will get so frustrated at themselves and the world, for their body not doing what they want it to do. Do you think an Autistic person enjoys hurting themselves or other people, they don't enjoy it at all, they just totally can't control it as much as they want to control it. So please think again when you stare at a person acting out of the norm.
I wish i could be normal just for one day, if I had only one wish thats what I would wish for. Just to have friends, to be able to talk when I want to, and not to get any sensory overloads. I know it may not be possible ever in my life time, this is not to say that I have trouble accepting the way I am. It's more or less describing what it is actually like every single day of my life. Imagine not being able to understand your own emotions or other peoples, it gets very confusing and unpredictable. Then all you want is for everything to stop and to escape away, to me escaping away is withdrawing back into my shell, the only way that I know is safe!
I wish i could be normal just for one day, if I had only one wish thats what I would wish for. Just to have friends, to be able to talk when I want to, and not to get any sensory overloads. I know it may not be possible ever in my life time, this is not to say that I have trouble accepting the way I am. It's more or less describing what it is actually like every single day of my life. Imagine not being able to understand your own emotions or other peoples, it gets very confusing and unpredictable. Then all you want is for everything to stop and to escape away, to me escaping away is withdrawing back into my shell, the only way that I know is safe!
For the longest time, I never even noticed that people might even think my actions were 'strange' (to their conventional NT standards). The other day, when I was mournfully whining about the fact that most of the other mothers at school didn't seem to like me, a friend pointed out that they didn't like me because I was different and that frightened them.
ReplyDeleteYou're you. And you're definitely special. Never compromise who you are for the sake of others. I decided, when I was 16, that I was going to stop pretending to be something I was not. It eased my own stress, and although that cast me out even further from my peers, I was happier in my own skin.
If you ever want to text me, I'll pm you my cell number on FB (I'm a little 'strange' with phone calls, but I'm more than happy to text until I know someone better).
Sraddha :-)
Beating yourself up is the worst thing ever for you. Do you get a burst of energy where you feel like you have to do something creative and extreme? Even walking down the street? Have you tried beta-blockers? They take a few weeks to kick in but they are great, and they don't really stop the way you would naturally react to things as adrenaline coulds my judgement (they help stop adrenaline from building up) for me, and these are designed to stop that release so you can see calmer and clearer. And i used to be really shakey too.. meditation helps a lot but it only does so much...
ReplyDeleteMichael Boag
Thank you for your concerns Michael, however this is my experience, and is validated just as your experiences are validated. I am on medication and I treat myself Biomedically as well, and I haven't had these brain explosions in a very long time which I am quite proud of myself for.
ReplyDelete