When you have Autism and you experience PTSD as well, it make your life a living hell. You wake up at night time from flashbacks, you have no way of explaining it to others, all you can say is that it is really scary.
Flashbacks are like a graphic video memory in your brain, sometimes it goes away and then comes back suddenly when you least expect it to. When you experience flashbacks, sometimes you may become paranoid about things. For me I wake up and it literally feels like it's happening all over again. Then I become paranoid at night time and I can't leave any doors or windows open, because I am really scared of something happening to you all over again.
Then if someone touches me, I get a double shock. First shock is my sensory system goes into overload, then secondly my brain gets triggered of the rapes and sexual abuse in my past, and then I really freak out. This double shock only happens when I am in relapse and the PTSD kicks in.
When the flashbacks happen, at night time, I wake up or sweaty and I go into panic mode because I think it is happening all over again. There is grounding I have learnt, which means you feel all over your body to remind yourself no one is there. Sometimes I forget this process.
I wake up and start rocking, then the hand flapping comes with the thumb sucking, if I am really distressed it follows on to head banging and sometimes something will just snap in me and the next minute I know there is blood on my arm, from cutting myself, but I don't actually remember doing it. Then I get angry at myself for doing it and I punish myself by punching my arms.
There are two types of self harmer's. First one is those that self harm and don't care about it, and don't want to stop it, then there are those that self harm and they really do want to stop but their brain doesn't allow them for whatever reason. With me there is the added part where I actually don't remember doing it sometimes, but I literally do want to stop which is why I get angry at myself. I cut myself sometimes to get rid of the overwhelming emotional pain I have but sometimes it's not to get a release from emotional pain, but literally I get a big impulse to do so. Which I hate myself for doing.
When you have Autism, its harder to communicate what is really happening inside, which then leads to others to guess what is happening. But if people allow us to communicate in other forms, rather then talking, you will find that you get a better response.
This makes it a living hell for me when my PTSD is in relapse and people often do not understand why and they judge me for doing what I do.
I do have the medication I am on which is supposed to stop me getting the self harm and the suicide thoughts, but it doesn't always work, and the more you increase it, the more weight you put on.